


even if we both break down tonight

by CapriciousCrab



Series: bingo 2019 [7]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Interactive Introverts adjacent, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Anxiety, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-10
Updated: 2019-10-10
Packaged: 2020-12-07 12:13:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20975717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CapriciousCrab/pseuds/CapriciousCrab
Summary: The bedroom door is closed, and Phil pauses with his hand on the handle. Normally a closed door means a request for privacy, a space to be alone for a while that they've always taken great care to abide by.But tonight Phil is afraid.





	even if we both break down tonight

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the PFF Bingo 2019
> 
> prompt: interactive introverts
> 
> *  
I took a little liberty with the prompt and made it tour adjacent instead of about the actual tour itself.  
The exchange in the beginning is lifted straight from the 3rd Google Fued video and seemed like such a raw, candid moment that I couldn't believe they left it in.

_ P: What's the last thing you Googled? _

_ You have a nervous glint in your eye… _

_ D: I don't know what- this might be terrible! _

_ \--- _

_ P: Really Dan? _

_ D: Euthanasia _

_ P: We need to move on from that… _

*

Phil takes his time shutting things down. Dan had left the room immediately after filming, mumbling something beneath his breath that Phil couldn't make out and likely wasn't meant to hear.

He carefully winds up the cords, meticulous in a way that he usually isn't. He's a messy kind of guy, comfortable with clutter in a way that clashes with Dan's innate need for order. Phil's sure that there some hidden meanings to it all, some secret to be unlocked in examining Dan's tendencies toward minimalism versus Phil's need for knick-knacks, but he's too tired to give it a proper think so he fusses until there's nothing left to straighten.

He turns out the light before going in search of Dan. Phil knows he'll find him in the bedroom but walks slowly through the flat anyway, hoping to see a curly head sat on the sofa with something on the telly. His stomach clenches with anxiety when he finds the rooms empty.

The bedroom door is closed, and Phil pauses with his hand on the handle. Normally a closed door means a request for privacy, a space to be alone for a while that they've always taken great care to abide by. But tonight Phil is afraid. 

He's afraid that this downward spiral will take Dan to a place he's only ever been once before. He's afraid that this tour they've been working so hard on will collapse at their feet like a house of cards. He's afraid of not being strong enough this time to keep it all together, his back bowing beneath the weight of it all until it threatens to break. So he takes a deep breath and knocks on the door.

"You can come in, Phil."

Dan's voice through the door is tired and flat. Phil enters the room and his heart breaks a little at the sight of Dan curled up on his side. He climbs onto the bed and leans against the headboard, dropping a gentle hand on Dan's head to run his fingers through his hair. 

"Are you angry with me?" Phil asks softly as he wraps one of Dan's curls around his finger before massaging Dan's scalp gently. "I didn't mean to upset you."

"I'm not angry. I'm not anything," Dan sighs. "I wish I was angry. Anything would be better than this."

This. Such a small word that holds so much meaning.

'This' means a despondency so great it leaves Dan exhausted and drained. 'This' means hours in bed where even the most basic self-care is impossible. 'This' means days where Phil's anxiety leaves him brittle and shaky as he does what he can to keep Dan going until he comes through the dark times.

Phil swallows past the sudden lump in his throat and continues stroking Dan's hair. He wishes he could take this from him, that his love was a cure that he could pour over Dan until it consumed the depression that forever lurked in the background. But all Phil could do was try and lighten the stress that tour planning has brought them.

"I think we should cancel the tour," Phil says quietly. He's cautious with his words, careful not to let any of his emotions color their meaning. "I think maybe… maybe we've made it too big, got too ambitious with it?"

"You don't need to do that, you know."

"Do what?"

"Pick your words so carefully. I can practically hear you thinking," Dan says tiredly. He rolls to face Phil then, his dark eyes glassy and unsettlingly empty. "I'm not made of glass, you know. I can handle whatever it is you have to say."

He looks so fragile right now in the waning light, and Phil refuses to be the hammer that shatters him. So he scoots down to lay next to Dan, pulling him onto his chest. He runs his hands over Dan's back, rubbing soothing circles there while he thinks of what he wants to say.

He decides to go with gentle honesty. "I don't think we _ can _do it, Dan. Not like this."

"You want me to go back on the meds," Dan says emotionlessly. 

It's what Dan's therapist has suggested after his video and the disastrous liveshow that had followed. Then there was the tweet…

"I want you to feel better," Phil says helplessly. He knows he's not supposed to do this, to make this about him and what he wants from Dan. But he's tired and worn down and feeling a little broken himself. 

"I want you to be able to smile and laugh again. I just… I don't want you to hurt anymore," Phil chokes out. He can't help the tears that fall any more than Dan can help his lack of them.

He struggles to get himself under control and works to steady his breathing. Dan is quiet where he rests on Phil's chest, but his hand is now the one stroking to soothe. They're quiet for a time as they breathe together in the silence of the room, hearts beating in sync as they so often do.

"I don't want to cancel the tour," Dan says suddenly. "We've worked so hard on it and I think- I think I need it. Need to get away and have a purpose, a routine to keep me going."

He pauses and takes a deep breath. "I'll go back on the meds. Maybe just for a while?"

Phil hugs him close and presses a kiss to the top of Dan's head. He's filled with so many conflicting feelings; relief and sadness and even anger that Dan has to deal with so much. Things that Phil can’t bear for him, that he can only be a silent witness to.

"Whatever you need, baby. We’ll do whatever you need." Phil whisperers it like a promise, and he means every word. There isn't anything he wouldn't do to make this path a smoother one for Dan to travel. 

"And Phil? I'm sorry," Dan says in a small voice. 

"Dan, don't- "

Dan lifts his head to stare directly into Phil's eyes. "But I am. I'm sorry about the tweet. I'm sorry that I scared you." 

cleanse tone and euthanise.

Four words that had struck fear into Phil's very bones and had him scrambling for his phone, desperate to hear Dan's voice. He dreams about those words sometimes, nightmares that he'll never share with Dan and that make him very aware that he needs to speak to his own therapist soon to help him process everything that's been happening.

For now, he leans down and gives Dan's chapped lips a gentle kiss. "It's ok. We're going to be ok."

Phil hugs him a little tighter and listens to Dan's breathing even out as he falls asleep. He himself is too jittery to sleep, his anxiety too high to allow him to escape into slumber as his thoughts tumble over themselves. 

They'd been through tough times before, he thinks as he closes his eyes and matches his breathing to Dan's. They've always come out stronger for it and this time will be no different.

They won't break down tonight.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!!
> 
> You can like and reblog [here](https://capriciouscrab.tumblr.com/post/188255791835/even-if-we-both-break-down-tonight-rating-t-word) if you want :)


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